Step by Step

As you well know, 2020 was an interesting year. On top of the worldwide calamity that occurred, I also closed a chapter of my life as I graduated from BYU. Before the pandemic, I wasn't really sure what I would do after graduation. As the world stopped in March and throughout the following months, I didn't know what was next for me. But, I tried to trust in God and move forward. Life is still imperfect, but I've hit a milestone that has caused me to look back on 2020.

This has all made me reflect on my experiences during the past year. Below I share some excerpts from my personal journal in italics, with commentary on the year that was. I hope that it helps you reflect on your year and whatever is ahead.

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January 26th, 2020: "So, I guess life is pretty good. I still don't know what is next after graduation, and I probably should be looking for a job, but I don't feel much urgency. I don't know if that is peace that things will just work out, or ignorance for not doing anything. I guess we will see." 

Going into 2020, I knew that it would be a big year for me. I was excited to graduate from BYU in June, albeit very uncertain about what would come after that. When I had started college years earlier, I just kind of assumed that by the time graduation rolled around, I would be ready to go on and get a Master's in Mechanical Engineering, have gotten married, and have figured out my whole life.

Now I was a few months out from graduation, and none of those things were true. Life wasn't bad - it was good really - but it wasn't the stereotypical BYU graduate life that I had imagined. Regardless, life was good.

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March 8th, 2020: "Basically all of my paragraphs [in my journal] are ending with 'we'll see.' There's a lot up in the air, but things are looking good. I hope I can keep pushing along and following the right path. I'm trying to." 

As my last full semester of college progressed, I put a bit more effort into figuring out what would come next, but I didn't let that pursuit take away any time from having fun. BYU Basketball was rolling and I fulfilled my dream of storming the court after we beat Gonzaga. Fresh powdery snow was plentiful in the mountains for skiing. I was spending lots of time with new and old friends. Everything was pretty great. Recently there had been talk about that new coronavirus, but it didn't seem like a pressing issue. We had swine flu and whatever else before, so this surely wouldn't be much different.

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March 15th, 2020: "Indeed, what a time to be alive. This has definitely been the most unusual week of my life (and most people would probably say the same thing)." 

That week in March started out unusually for a different reason than most other people had. On Monday afternoon, I drove down to Las Vegas with three friends to see BYU at the WCC basketball tournament (fulfilling another college dream of mine). The term "coronavirus" was now firmly in the back of my mind, and I did worry a little bit about going down to a big event with people from all over, but there was basketball to be played and nothing would stop us from watching.

By Thursday, however, the whole world seemed to come to a stop. BYU, and every other university, switched to online classes. Church was cancelled. All sports were postponed or cancelled. Going anywhere or doing anything seemed unsafe. I went to the grocery store with my friends that night and had the surreal experience of hurrying through the picked-over aisles to grab whatever seemed appetizing. We had to stock up then because who knew what would happen next?

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June 6th, 2020: "Coronavirus really turned the world completely upside-down, and we are just now starting to put things back together. Of course, I am very blessed and many people have gone through much more hardship, but it's been hard. I have felt a lot of loneliness, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of doubt. All of a sudden I went from having a great time at a live basketball game in Vegas, to being confined to my apartment with the same four people for weeks. Everything was cancelled, I became scared to go anywhere or do anything, many friends and family became inaccessible.

But it's okay. I have learned a lot, and I hope that I am better from this ongoing experience. Like I said I have been able to daily dedicate time to exercise and scripture study. I've been running farther and faster than before, and I've been climbing tall mountains on my bike. I've kept up with Come, Follow Me every week and have found connections and comfort [in the Scriptures] that are meant for me. I have really connected with my closest friends, those that I've seen for countless hours and those that I have seen just a handful of times or talked to virtually. I've tried to keep pushing in my job search, and I feel more confident. Really life is good. It's hard, but it's good. It's going to be a long time before things are completely back to normal, if ever. I still feel really uncertain about my future. But, I am pushing forward and trusting in God, and I know that things will work out for the best. It's all part of the plan."

Since that day in March, the world had slowed down, for me and for everyone. A terrible pandemic was raging, and we didn't know when or if it would ever end. So, we turned inward, we turned to each other, and we turned to God as we tried to move along step by step.

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July 19th, 2020: "I do not see any path forward regarding my goals in life. But, I just have to trust in God and not get down. It's not easy to just trust in Him, but I am trying. I've done so many times before, especially during the mission, and now it's time to apply that to my life. So, I'm trusting in Him and I hope I can see a little bit of light soon to figure things out."

One day in June, I was suddenly a college graduate. No pomp or circumstance, no celebration. A chapter of my life had closed, but I had no idea when or how the next chapter would begin.

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September 6th, 2020: "Concerning the light in their vessels, God asked the brother of Jared [in The Book of Mormon] what he would do. The brother of Jared came up with a plan and went and did it. When it feels like God is giving us an incomplete plan, maybe we need to come up with something and pursue it.

Anyway, life is good, but I just want to keep moving forward. I don't like waiting or being stuck, so I hope I can figure things out soon. Tomorrow's Labor Day. I don't have anything planned except for watching the BYU football game vs. Navy. I'm glad they're actually playing. Go Cougs."

With an over-abundance of free time, I was able to spend more time reading The Book of Mormon and other scriptures each day. At this particular time, I was strongly impressed by the journey of the people of Jared and others, as they trusted in God to lead them along. I tried to trust in Him to help me figure out the next steps on my path, trusting and waiting.

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October 4th, 2020: "Honestly, from the first talk [of the General Conference of the Church] my prayers were beginning to be answered. Elder Bednar opened the Saturday Morning session and I was impressed by his observation that not making a choice is a choice. If we don't choose anything, we won't have any control over the direction we go. In the next talk, Elder Whiting said that choosing the path of least resistance was not the path to happiness or Christ. I realized that I have not really been making any choices regarding my future job or relationships. Sure, I've been applying to jobs online and such, but I think mostly I've just been rolling along the path of least resistance, hoping that something will stick. I haven't been proactive in my decisions. Elder Whiting continued by recounting his hike up Mount Fuji, and the need to focus on just the next step, and not the entire journey at once.

The conference ended with Elder Holland, and his message was a bit grim, yet also hopeful. He reminded us that the object of life is not to avoid all suffering. It is not possible for our life to be faith-filled and stress-free. But while he explained this, I felt that I can overcome the stresses of life, and also that it is totally worth it to live a faith-filled life and with experiences that will help us become better and like God.

 I need to choose something and trust that as I move, God will accelerate my movements.

We are still in a pandemic, but I can't just sit around doing nothing. Even if whatever I can do now is not the most ideal opportunity, I can keep moving and progressing.

I'm excited to just keep moving forward and improving as a disciple of Jesus Christ. I'm trying to trust in God and love Him and my neighbor. I know as I do that, I can excel and be my best self and be truly happy."

So, I began to make more intentional choices. Instead of sitting around, I applied to be a teacher's aide at a local Junior High School. As a recent graduate, I was pretty over-qualified, but I knew that I could make a difference and add some normality to my everyday life in a safe manner. I continued to look for full-time job opportunities, making a more intentional effort. One day I attended a virtual career fair from Ford. Something about it felt pretty good.

After the virtual career fair, I found a good position at Ford, and had a few interviews. It still felt good, but I hadn't heard back from them for a while. Then, the week before Thanksgiving I got an offer from them to work as an Experience Development Engineer. I was incredibly excited. The job would require me to move to Dearborn, Michigan, which seemed kind of daunting, but it finally felt like the right path for me. 

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December 13th, 2020: "The week before Thanksgiving, President Nelson gave a message and challenged us to give thanks on social media for seven days. I posted about my gratitude for bike rides, BYU football (who has since lost to Coastal Carolina……) and sports, the Book of Mormon and this year's Come Follow Me curriculum, reading, challenges that lead to new opportunities, and baking. 

Going into the challenge, I was feeling pretty down about the year and life in general. I got the job offer that Tuesday, which lifted me up, but kind of felt like a cop-out from feeling down. Obviously it's such a big blessing, but I should be happy no matter what my circumstances are. 2020 has been hard. There's a lot going on, but for me the principal challenge has been the pandemic. I am so blessed that it has not physically afflicted me or my family or friends, but it has caused me a lot of worry and anxiety. For someone who often doubts the worth of their presence with others, it is very hard when being physically with anyone is suddenly looked down on by society. The jarring closure of everything in March and the confusing re-adjustment, coupled with the recent alarming spike in cases, has all been kind of scary. I started the year off traveling to Vegas, skiing, going to weddings, going to Vegas again, planning the future, and then it all stopped. All the plans I had hoped for and places I wanted to go were washed away. Life has picked up a bit again, my friends are back in school, but I found myself working part-time to organize Chromebooks… Things are looking up now, but it's been a ride.

Yet strangely enough, even though we are not through it all yet, I look back on this year and feel even a bit of nostalgia. When the world shut down, I found myself living with Brett, Andrew, and Dallin. The only other people I would visit were Jordan and Jacob, Heidi, Matt, and Caroline. Jacob and Heidi left for the summer and got married. Jordan and Andrew got married. I signed off of a Zoom class one last time and had suddenly graduated. I got out every day to run or bike to all sorts of new locations. I spent the evenings walking around every street in Provo, sometimes for more than an hour, enjoying the late sunsets. I watched hours of simulated basketball and then real basketball with Brett. I cooked and baked all sorts of foods on my own and with Brett, Dallin, Jordan, and Andrew. I didn't get out nearly as much as I wanted to, but still made a few trips to Escalante, the Great Salt Lake, Great Basin National Park, and the Grand Canyon. I grew closer to God as I spent time really studying and learning from the Book of Mormon.

This is not the year I wanted. If I could go back and pick a different year, I'm not sure I wouldn't. But this is the year that happened, and I'm grateful. I have learned a lot about myself, I have strengthened many of my most important relationships, I have developed new hobbies, I have come to know God better, and I feel confident in my direction.

We're not through this pandemic yet, but we're on our way, and I'll keep trusting in God. Just the other day, Pfizer's vaccine was officially approved by the FDA, and it's 95% effective. The first doses are supposed to be given starting tomorrow to health-care workers and at-risk people. It'll be a few months before I get it, but I'm glad we will see some relief. It's been a crazy year, but I have hope and joy in Christ still through it."

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And here we are in 2021. There's still a pandemic, and everything is still crazy, but the world is moving along step by step, and so am I.

One year ago, I was having a great time during my last semester at school, and I didn't really know what was coming next. A lot has happened from then until now. This week I packed up my things and drove 1700 miles with my Dad from Provo, Utah to Ann Arbor, Michigan. It still doesn't really feel real when I think about the fact that I live here now. This isn't just some trip or extended internship that I'll do until returning to Provo again. I am nervous to start the next chapter of life, and I have no idea what it will hold.

But whatever comes next, I am so grateful for the last year, and for all the time I had in Provo. The things I learned, the people I met, and the places I went have all added up to help form what I am today. As you can see from my musings in the last year, I sometimes feel down and think that what I've added up to be isn't enough yet. But as I have prepared to move, I've thought about my life for the past few years, and I've realized that my progress is enough. When I think about everything that has happened, I realize that I am on this incredible journey that is meant to be lived joyfully! Life is not some scripted series that will result in success or failure, it's an adventure that you're living and learning from every day. Just being where you are is such a grand miracle.

Don't feel discouraged about your shortcomings or difficulties. Wherever you are in your journey, look at the great distance you have come. The truth is, you have made such great progress!  Trust in God and in the fact that He cares for you. You are making great steps, even if you don't feel it now. Try to enjoy your next step, and I'll try to enjoy mine here in Ann Arbor.

"In a sense, your small and simple sacrifices are the dots of daily living that make up the masterpiece painting of your life. You may not see how the dots connect now, and you don’t need to yet. Simply have faith enough for the moment you are living in now. Trust in God, and 'out of small things [will come] that which is great.'" - Elder Uchtdorf